May 21, 2011

Somethin ain't quite right

Its been an eventful year, two companies I've worked for are no more, my family has been rearranged, I've had two operations, and my first adult pet ( a beautiful golden retriever named Dougal ) had to be put down. Some of these events might be worth revisiting for the sake a story at some later point, but generally speaking that's it for that, no point in a blog for self pity. For now I'll just say it left me seriously rethinking what I'm trying to achieve in my life.

But what's up now? It should be all over but there is something lingering, its like being sick, but not quite. Its worse after a busy day, physical or mental exertion. I've mentioned it to several doctors but its so vague they are reluctant to pin it down, I've consulted doctor Wikipedia (a dubious practice at best) and the closest thing I can find is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Its insanely frustrating, I'm sitting on the couch bursting out of my skin with plans and ideas to get my life back on track (a different track, but I'll get to that) but my body and mind just won't co-operate. I've been a highly motivated guy most my life and this is driving me nuts, but if it is CFS it could be here forever.

So in the middle of all this recent unpleasantness I found myself with no income for a few months. My beautiful supportive wife works one day a week, that was all we had. But here is the thing, it wasn't that bad. I had heaps of time at home to research ways of living on less, I was amazed how little you could actually live comfortably on, and I got to spend more time at home (or had to at that point). This combined with what I had seen in my work as an animator recently (where hard working artists were chewed up and spat out left right and centre) left my wife and I seriously questioning what we were trying to achieve with our careers.

So now everything is up for grabs. Working? A House? Commercial Art? Income? Just what do I aspire to? Physically I feel crap, my career has smashed to a near stand still, but is it a tragedy or an opportunity?

How things are to be rearranged is yet to be completely fleshed out and is in part why I've started writing things down.

This thing I know, I find myself believing I can and will be happier with less.


Boon said...

Have you thought about seeing someone to help with emotional health? I've had times in my life where the emotional aspects caused such physiological symptoms that getting out of bed was difficult, and in the end improving my emotional health was much more effective than anything the doctor could offer. Not that I presume to know what your life is like right now or anything. But it IS really awesome to see you talking about and being creative. It's such a part of you, I don't think you'd still be you without it! Also: if you feel up to it, I'd love to hear about some of your tips for living on less. I'm terrible with money. I'd love to simplify.

Ian said...

I'm planning some posts on my new frugal ways :)

Ian said...

It definitely started in head so its not much of a stretch for me to believe that is where the solution might be. The thing is that I actually find myself pretty happy with my life at the moment, my home life has improved, my relationship with my wife is great. There is this move to the country coming up to deal with, but that's pretty tame on the stress meter.

I did a stint on depression drugs back when our previous mutual employer was crumbling around us, it was my second such stint and it hasn't helped either time.

I guess cost is another issue for such help. I think this blog is about finding the right state of mind to move forward.

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